


Welcome To Night Vale: Halloween Broadcast

by linvro21



Category: Supernatural RPF, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Crack, Halloween, Inspired by Welcome to Night Vale, M/M, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-10-14
Packaged: 2017-12-29 10:06:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linvro21/pseuds/linvro21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If only Jensen could see through the thick, toxic fog on this All Hallowes' Eve, he might catch a glimpse of the beautiful and flawless scientist Jared.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome To Night Vale: Halloween Broadcast

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tipsy_Kitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tipsy_Kitty/gifts).



> **Caution** : Before you proceed to read this story, you should get acquainted with Welcome To Night Vale on a more than basic level. We refer to this [website](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Podcast/WelcomeToNightVale) to read up (the first four paragraphs only, not the rest. More could have a negative effect on your mental health, although these illnesses are not officially acknowledged in Night Vale).  
> Then proceed at your own risk to the YouTube channel for the [first episode](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4Tf8vwgBSA) of this brilliantly cracky podcast series where epic gay ~~love~~ pining is canon! After this groundwork you should be marginally prepared for the insanity that is Night Vale.
> 
>  **Note** : Written for this [prompt](http://j2-crack.livejournal.com/28129.html?thread=212449#t212449) by [](http://tipsy-kitty.livejournal.com/profile)[**tipsy_kitty**](http://tipsy-kitty.livejournal.com/) at the Kettle Of Trouble Halloween meme on [](http://j2-crack.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://j2-crack.livejournal.com/)**j2_crack**. She thankfully also provided me with some cracky ideas and high level fangirling.
> 
> Poem by [DryDeadFish](http://www.drydeadfish.co.uk/poems/).  
> Music by [Disparition](http://www.disparition.info/) and [Ludo](http://www.ludorock.com/).  
> Quote by [William S. Burroughs](http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4462369.William_S_Burroughs).

Play [Background music](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9f2C0SOdqg) _(open in new tab or window)_

_The static noise accompanied by soft hypnotically flowing, resembling a horde of lazy bees buzzing, sets the scene as usual for Jensen's radio show._

Everything looks different in this fog, the shops are painted without colors, and people are lost in shadows, their ways unclear. In this dark world, the blind become the ones who see, feeling at home in the murky soup, happy and cheerful in the unclarity of the dawn.

_He likes to think his smooth sonorous voice comes across especially comforting for the start of the show. It's his way of bracing his listeners for the inevitable news to come._

Welcome To Night Vale.

_Another show has started. Jensen never knows if it will be his last. Station management has made it clear that a thirty-seven percent or more deviation from the previously planned and okay-ed items will result in his permanent termination. He can only hope this will mean the end of his contract and not the loss of his immortal soul._

With this fog, Halloween has fallen once again upon our cozy little town. The City Council asked me to stress that we do not commemorate the dead, including saints, martyrs, and all the faithful departed believers on Halloween, as there are no such things in Night Vale to be remembered. I repeat, no such things.

 

As you know, typical festive Halloween activities include trick-or-treating, attending costume parties, decorating, carving pumpkins, lighting bonfires, apple bobbing, visiting haunted attractions, playing pranks, telling scary stories, and watching horror movies.

Unfortunately most of these customs and events have been canceled by the City Council this year, as too many people were genuinely scared half to death last Halloween by the gelatinous shapes that blubbered into town. The strange jiggly invaders entered from the north, past the Collins experimental farm and old man Beaver's salvage yard, through Main Street before disappearing in the Whispering Forest. Anyone who claims people were actually scared to death will be taken and interrogated indeterminably by the Secret Police.

The City Council regrets that it has to limit the celebrations this year and has teamed up with the Sheriff's Secret Police to present a gift to all households. Regulated Jack-o-lanterns are issued to everyone! One pumpkin shaped lantern is mandatory to every household and should be proudly displayed on the coffee table. The pumpkins do not contain gadgets for mind control; the blue-green light emanated by these special lanterns is a completely normal side-effect of the production process. Only pumpkins issued by the secret police are to be used as decoration. Home made or store-bought pumpkins will lead to indefinite detention.

 

_Jensen peers out into the fog. He hopes to catch a glimpse of the trick-or-treaters, maybe even a glimpse of his Jared. He remembers how he first saw perfect and beautiful Jared grin, how he fell instantly in love. What would Jared be dressed up as?_

Let's talk costumes. I always enjoy seeing little kids dressed up as their favorite beings. What is more endearing than a little boy, covered in blood with frayed clothing, limping from house to house? Or a little girl with a clean shaved head, covered in fake swirly tattoos pretending to drain the life force of those who do not offer appropriate treats? Or those individuals dressed up in a lab coat and a flowy brown wig in an inaccurate but flattering attempt to imitate our most beloved and fantasized about scientist Jared?

_Ring, ring._

Yes? Oh, okay. My bad. I will relay this directly to our listeners.

Well, people of Night Vale. It seems that our Secret Police have issued a mandate that states that certain Halloween costumes are deemed inappropriate. This concerns children and any accompanying adults as well as people dressing up in their homes, even old man Beaver and the lady who walks with a cart in the park from nine to four every day. Ignore her, she's not recording the colorwaves produced by the foliage nor the ducks.

Costumes that are deemed too undesirable are: librarian – both scary librarian and sexy librarian, street cleaner, dark hooded figure, secret police, the blank, founding father – as their meat crowns are likely to attract unwanted birds of prey, and scientist – especially scientists with golden brown locks, even though we all hate, and despair, and love that perfect hair in equal measure.

_It's a blessing in disguise really. With no one allowed to dress up as Jared, beautiful Jared with the perfect white teeth beckoning like a beacon to Jensen's heart, and the manly broad shoulders he would like to hug, and hips he would like to ride, Jensen will be able to focus his mind on tonight's broadcast._

_Since Jensen laid his eyes upon Jared's splendid classical shape, he can't stop thinking about him. He can only hope that one day Jared will look up from his treasured research to see him and adore him in identical quantities._

 

In other news, I regret having to inform you that Osric the intern has allegedly been kidnapped by angels. This is almost impossible, as no angel has ever shown itself during any town meetings or other festivities or holidays. Mrs. Rhodes, you know, from the exotic flower shop, said earlier to this reporter that, and I quote: 'Angels rarely show themselves on Halloween, because of the high pitched fluctuations in the hybrid lampshades circling the tallest fig trees in the town square'.  
Osric will be sadly missed. A small cactus in a large orange terracotta pot has been placed on a shelf in our men's room in remembrance of him. It also serves to amuse the Khoshekh the station's floating cat, as he likes to sharpen his claws on said terracotta pot, not on the cactus, as that would be cruel.

 

Breaking news: Scientists have reported that more and more animals with human faces are popping up near the public buildings in Night Vale. Jared, the most lovely and beguiling of scientists, said something to this reporter about the phenomenon.

Well, he probably explained to me in his caramel voice what these strange animals were all about, but for the life of me I can't remember. He did however look into my eyes with his exquisite orbs, and for a moment we shared consciousness, allowing each other a peek into our souls. Or maybe I just imagined this encounter all together, or it was projected in my head by the Glow Cloud that should be doing useful work for the School Board, but could well be up to no good.

Felicia, our newest intern did recall that Jared the Wonderful spoke about the faces resembling famous physicians and Nobel prize winners, and the death toll being zero. How was she able to register what this fantastic human being uttered you may ask. Coincidentally, she was tinkering with some antennas on the roof at that exact moment, and claims to have caught the message directly from the tall curly one in the far right corner. That is of course the opposite corner to the one with the iridium cages containing the unnamed items of clothing.

_I wish I could listen in on Jared's brilliant mind. Maybe I could even influence his behavior somewhat. I could tell him to never-ever cut off his beautiful chestnut hair, that is the envy of the whole town. I could make him come for me. If only I could make him listen._

Jared, if you hear this. Please come to me and co-host the remainder of this show with me on this unnerving night, and I promise to valiantly try and withstand your general magnificent aura and maybe even speak to you. Or at least to not just stare at you open mouthed and drooling while drawing little hearts on my hand. Please? Jared?

 

And now a message from our sponsors:

I am a protozoa:  
Behold my polar rings!  
I luncheon on red blood cells,  
And do some wicked things.

I am Apicomplexan,  
A parasitic breed.  
You know me as malaria,  
And I am vile indeed.

This message was brought to you by Heineken. Pleas drink responsibly.

More breaking news about the animals with human faces. We humbly offer the following retractions from our previous account. Secret police are now reporting that the offending beasts were not animals with human faces after all, but animals with animal faces, although not necessarily corresponding to the animal bodies. Also, these animals aren't even showing themselves around public buildings as this station previously stated, just near and in the stadium where they are killing and eating some of our town's children and elderly, depending on their tastes and costumes.  
Finally, earlier we reported a death toll of zero, when in fact the number is closer to seven, and counting children in the kindergarten age, in the region of twenty-three.

 

And now the [weather](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kQ-0bBkMIY). _(open in new tab or window)_

_Good, I now have exactly four minutes and thirty eight seconds to go to the bathroom._

_What? Who says that? Oh, it's you Khoshekh. I see you're extending and retracting your claws alternately, to survey me a message. Aha, I get it. You're saying it's possible to summon my true love on Halloween, using just the power of my mind and some Windex. Thanks. I'm on to it._

 

Welcome back listeners.

Next Tuesday a speed-dating event will be held by the little old ladies who normally pinch people on the cheeks. They have asked me to inform you still loveless or pining citizens, to bring a stool sample and to expect a blood sample taken from you before entering the event. Sniper and telepathic skills are considered a pro. Come all and join in the fun that is speed-dating.

Or is it? It might just be a hoax to match our more liberal thinking citizens to spies of the Sheriff's Secret Police. But hey, love is love. Right?

 

The following Halloween treats have been approved by the City Council: taffy apples, crab apples, thorn apples, razor apples, steel wool, dog biscuits, lye filled bubblegum, Pokemon Valentine's Day Lollipops with metal shavings, and Necco Wafers. What's your favorite? Call now on 555-LOOKINGFORLOVE.

 

A fun fact: Spiders are scary and it's statistically likely that there's one on you at all times. Also, that it's one of the really creepy ones.

 

Tonight at ten thirty five the bonfire will be lighted at the open plain between the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex and the gas station. To the untrained eye, it may appear that there is no plain at all, but if you chuck empty batteries or sleeping bags – preferably synthetic ones – at the wall separating the two buildings, the fire will appear to you. Have some good old Halloween fun everybody!

 

And now, a continuation of our previous call-out to Jared – the omnipresent yet dearly adored scientist – whether he would find it in his magnanimous heart to enlighten us here at the station with his glowing presence, and subsequently fall madly and deeply in love with me.

From the aforementioned one-sided conversation can only conclude that Jared thinks I am worthy of his time and effort. As he did speak to me once, he is apparently not overly appalled – shown by the lack of gagging and throwing up – by the sight of me. In retrospect I even dare to state that he looked a me a good three seconds longer than was strictly necessary. So, there is a definite possibility for a romantic continuation of our relationship.

Also, some reliable source within the building – not an intern, so no need to make any of them disappear into vast nothingness – told me that I have the power to get what I want.

So, as I clean my microphone with some Windex, I'll repeat my former message with more fervor and confidence: Come join me on Night Vale Radio my precious Jared!

 

In preparation for the next festivities in our sleepy little town, Mr Qualls - you know, the music teacher - has announced some changes to his lessons. As the name and purpose of this great upcoming day somewhere between November 23rd and November 25th is to be kept a secret for our own safety, he could only guess what would be appropriate.

Effective from now on, all harp players have to exchange their instruments for mouth organs. Also, all purple, green, orange and fuchsia colored and striped instruments will be buried at the next full moon in the Sand Wastes. Music books with annotations of the music and songs will be used in stead of the more common berry-based system. Corporal punishment will no longer be on the curriculum. Finally, Mr. Qualls encourages his students to broaden their horizons and pick up an Uzi or bazooka for a change. It might even be fun!

 

_Knock, knock, knock._

_Did it really work? Is my epic gay love standing on the other side of this sturdy studio door, wanting to share his heart with me? It could be the management perhaps, seeking to destroy me and any evidence proving that I ever even existed? Maybe it's the Secret Police, wanting to re-educate me? It might be trick-or-treaters – oh no, I forgot to stack up on condoned treats._

'There is no intensity of love or feeling that does not involve the risk of crippling hurt'.

 

Goodnight listeners, good night.  
  
.


End file.
